Id
by SeraSearaSpin
Summary: The voice in his head tells him that he knows the ghouls that are about to kill him, but that voice was only ever a figment of his imagination.


**TG:re is cliffhanger after cliffhanger after cliffhanger. I think I'm gonna scream.**

**I can never refer to Mado Akira as "Mado", because I've gotten so used to calling her father that that I'd confuse her with him. So Akira it is. The naming customs of Japan are something that always confuse me, I admit it. &amp; ****I invented the CCG's mandate. Don't go taking that nifty google-translated phrase as anything canon.**

**Tl;dr, I messed around with canon a bit to try something exciting. Touken if you squint.**

**Review! :D**

* * *

Even on vacation days, there was never a quinque far from his hand. There was one in his room under his bed, within easy arm's reach, since the CCG deemed the Quinx project too valuable (expensive, more likely) to be lost on a ghoul's random raid. There had been a long debate on whether to stick them deep inside the CCG's maze of walls and facilities, but in the end, they were free to choose where they lived.

Haise chose to stay, anyway; he had nowhere else to go.

And it was a vacation, of a sort. He wasn't assigned to any cases; having just finished one, there was a small stretch of free time to occupy. He'd not had time to go back to his apartment and get changed into normal clothes, and anyway, it was chilly. The heavier gray jacket he preferred to wear was warmer than most of his other clothes.

It was nearing night; never a very safe time. Ghouls were a constant threat, and he was glad he'd brought his quinque with him. According to the mythology of the CCG, Arima himself had used it in high school. It was quite a legacy, and it had been passed down to him. Though he appreciated Arima's attention, he didn't understand why it was him that was catered to. Surely Urie was a better candidate for greatness than he, who even spared a ghoul from death. Even Akira admitted it: he was weaker than Urie in every sense but for his record-breaking Rc cell count.

That still perplexed him. _Who, exactly, am I?_

According to the records, he'd come to them. His family had been killed by an highly ranked ghoul called Centipede (_that ghoul had been dealt with, Arima told him_), and he'd wanted to get revenge. Though during his Quinx surgery, something had gone wrong, and he'd ended up with high Rc but no memory.

They'd given him a list; a million names to pick from, and, confused, he'd picked one that sounded almost familiar; _Sasaki. _

And time passed, and he was here.

_Where exactly is here?_ he wondered to himself. Haise had been too lost in his thoughts, and with that fearsome character (_you NEED me, Haise, admit it) _waiting for him if he delved too deeply into his subconscious, the rest of his mind had picked something else to do. He'd walked himself into a tightly-wound coil of streets, and had no idea where he was.

There was no one out around him, and settling his hand more firmly on the handle of his quinque, he went on. Within a few blocks, he heard voices from an alley. Haise smiled. _Ah, I can probably ask them for directions, then, and get home..._

The smile and the welcoming words died out on his lips as he neared them.

A girl was sobbing. "Ah, look at what I've done, onee-chan...it was an accident, I swear. I was hungry. I should know better than this by now..."

Another voice, again female, spoke. "Ah, it's fine...I'll help you clean it up, and we can take it to Yomo. He'll probably have something to do with it. And anyway, you've barely practiced using your kagune. You're allowed to make a couple mistakes. I know I did." The voice held warmth, and his subconscious voice suddenly went silent.

Haise gritted his teeth. _A pair of ghouls, huh? Well, the first order of the CCG is to kill all the ghouls. _Omnes qui comedunt homines mori. That's their motto, isn't it? __He silently reached into his jacket and opened his quinque. The familiar thin blade glimmered slightly, and, taking a breath to steel himself, he turned the corner to a scene he pretty much expected.

Two figures were crouched over an eviscerated corpse. One of them was considerably smaller than the other, a short girl with an amazing kagune. Two butterfly wings were curled in over herself, and red spots pulsated quietly. The other half was like the body of a centipede (_a centipede, Haise, listen to me_), ivory and red and glowing and dangerous. It was clear that some mishap had occurred, as most of the edible flesh was scattered across the walls and ground. She knelt in a widening puddle of blood.

(_Haise, listen to me, let me in_)

The voice had lost the shrill edge of madness, but there was no trusting it. He had, once. The results were a cycle of life-like dreams he'd only barely managed to shut down, and hadn't there been another time? He'd completely slipped the surly bonds of whatever thing that bound him to himself, and he remembered waking up to Akira telling him, in grave tones, _there's been an accident._ Wandering in a the fog of dreamland would not save anyone, least of all himself. Untrustworthy.

The other ghoul appeared to be around college age, a few years younger than him. Her kagune wasn't out, but the presence of all the fresh blood had activated her kakugan. Surely she was hungry too. And there was an air about her, a certain thing, maybe how the moonlight reflected on her dark hair, but _something_, and old routers started again.

_(she was younger, she's grown nicely. see the red wing? it glows sparkles shivers and i remember when it was targeted at me, at the gourmet prince, and)_

Haise closed his eyes for a second to shut the voice up, and when he opened it, the younger ghoul was just turning her head to look at him.

(_her own brother, it glimmers and flares, the rabbit on the rooftop with her brother, and the broken mourning girl who simply wanted her parents, ha-ha, you know?)_

"Ah!" Her cry of surprise was short, soft, and the older girl looked up now, her face clearly illuminated, and the memories hit him like a punch to the gut. That quieter voice, saner now, was screaming, babbling something, shouting a name his conscious mind censored and Haise reeled, nearly falling, ungracefully using his quinque as a prop.

(_IT'S HER IT'S HER LET GO OF THE QUINQUE LET ME IN PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE HAISE PLEASE I NEED TO TALK TO HER PLEASE_)

And now she was gasping, drawing back, and the wing that had burst through her clothes was wavering. She called out a name.

The gush of sound inside his head prevented him from hearing, both memories and snippets of other things blinding him. He had no idea where his quinque was. The ground was gone; suspended, he knelt in a room with a tiled, bloody floor. And it was as if a dam had been unblocked, sounds light color slipping by, my oh my this is distortion; a gale, a thunderstorm, the tide too strong (_too strong, Haise, let me in_) and that blue-haired girl, now a woman, now still maturing, now now_now (I'm slipping away from myself, Haise thought, and was terrified to find that his own experience seemed to have dwindled, now_ _HE was the voice in the back of the mind, and the other was stepping forwards)_-

_"Enough!_" He screamed the word hard enough to rasp his throat, and clapped his hands over his eyes, where there was unbearable pain. As if he'd had them stabbed out, aqueous and vitreous gels mixing and dripping blood. The pain receded slowly, at roughly the same pace as the tide receeding. He heard terrible sobbing, and he briefly pitied the voice in his mind before firming his resolve. _If you let him out, who knows what will happen. Everything I've worked for for the past few years will have been erased._

Shaking, he got back to his feet - he'd been on his hands and knees in front of the ghouls, disgraceful. The quinque wobbled in his hand. "I...I don't know why I know you. But you are ghouls." He closed his eyes so he wouldn't have to see the expressions on their faces, and spoke slowly, as if he were convincing himself. "Ghouls are bad. That's the mandate of the CCG: Omnes qui comedunt homines mori. And...here, I have a job to do."

Haise opened his eyes, and they were hard.

The two ghouls readied themselves to fight, though reluctance was in their every motion. Suddenly, from the glittering ukaku wing, a hail of reddish bullets fired towards him. He dodged, was tripped by the lower half of the younger ghoul's kagune, and then rolled again as more missiles struck the spot he'd just lain in.

So far, he was not doing good. He looked like a fool, wriggling at their feet. _It was a mistake to try and go for this battle. It's two on one here. I could call for reinforcements._

(_it's a mistake to fight them at all, let me in_)

His only consolation was that they clearly didn't want to kill him. The ukaku ghoul spoke up, her voice uneven. "Kaneki, you really don't remember us?"

"Sure I do," he said conversationally, and then grabbed his quinque and leaped for her in one fluid movement. She was agile, though, and easily sidestepped it before spraying another round of stalagmites at him. "I remember that you're ghouls, and ghouls - "

"Must die," she shot back flatly. "But we weren't just _any _ghouls. Or at least, not to you."

The younger ghoul went for a pincer attack, the butterfly-like kagune swinging down on either side of him. He jumped; it caught his jacket and he shrugged out of it. She read his name off of it. "Sasaki Haise? Is that who you are now?"

"That's who I've always been!" he growled, and swiped low at her feet before putting up a barrage of strikes, punctuated only by his words. "I'm not this _Kaneki_ you called me. I've - only - ever - been - _Sasaki_." The last blow sent her sprawling. It had clashed with her lower kagune, but he'd overpowered her. The ukaku jumped in with the cry of "_Hinami!_" She kicked, aimed for the small of his back, and Haise grabbed her foot and flung her away.

"And I, Sasaki Haise, am righting this wrong world, one ghoul at a time." The blade of the quinque kissed the younger ghoul's (_her name is hinami, you disgusting man, and let me in) _neck. He glanced away from her pale, terrified face and pressed the alert button on his watch. Reinforcements would be arriving soon. His subconscious howled.

_Shut up, Kaneki. You were only ever a figment of my imagination._

"No!" cried the ukaku. He knew her name; he wouldn't even think it. _Dangerous_.

Haise lifted the quinque, the moon shone off it, he brought it down in a great arc. The girl's head was parted from her body, and blood began to soak her already stained dress. Her kagune grew lifeless and withered away.

That's what happened; he saw it clearly in his mind's eye. There was no way for her to avoid it, she didn't look like she wanted to. The terror left her face. She was at peace, staring up at him with those big doe eyes that struck a chord too far inside to matter.

His subconscious was chanting._ Sa-sa-_ki. _Ka-ne_-ki. You know it's similar. Who's the real figment here?__

Instead, the quinque was stopped an inch above her neck, wavering up and down as the other (_I AM MYSELF, I AM KANEKI, I AM _I_, AND I WILL NOT LET YOU KILL HER)_ warred with him.

"Dammit!" His voice was strained. "Why - won't - you - let - me - do - my - job?"

_(Because you are killing my family.)_

Hinami watched, the kakugan dripping away until she was just a young girl, perhaps sixteen, with longish brown hair and warm brown eyes. He'd sat next to her and taught her how to read, once; he'd seen her depiction of a rabbit in a scarf, her father, and his sweet younger sister, he was killing her.

With a superhuman (_inhuman, but i am anyway)_ effort, Kaneki jerkily raised the arm, pulled it back, and hurled the quinque far, far away. Hinami recognized him - something about his eyes, perhaps? - and said, nervously, "Onii-chan?" _  
_

There was a little shift of face, as if the memory of a smile passed him by, and the simple fact that Kaneki was not entirely gone revitalized her. She was out from under Haise's trembling arm in a trice, and by the time Haise had pushed Kaneki away, both ghouls were freed. Haise only looked at them, deceptively calm. "Creatures like you are dangerous," he said, and there was a billow and a clap of something like silence.

His eyes were open, his kakugan displayed. But worst of all, his kagune, was like that of the ghoul he had been, but _diminished._ As if the Rc tentacles had been run through a shredder, they were memories of what they once were (_and of who Haise had once been_). Depleted. Wisps of ragged fibers, a boy with frayed wings. It was horrible; at this moment, there was no one the inspector resembled so much as the ghoul both Hinami and "the ukaku" knew so well, and as his old memories were reduced, so was his kagune.

"I know you, but that knowing is dangerous to my place. You kill; you are dangerous. I must end that danger." His voice ended on a questioning tone; as per usual, when he used his kagune, there was the presence at his back, his worst enemy made manifest, hot breath on his neck, _let me in let me in let me in_ -

The butterfly wings of the younger ghoul, Hinami, were fully extended in preparation for an offense, but even she was not expecting Haise to wield Kaneki's kagune with such grace; like a collector with his pins, the wiry kagune jabbed through the red eyespots and pinned her there as she lay in shock - the ukaku gritted her teeth, choking her anger into submission._  
_

_He's still Kaneki, deep down, somewhere, and I can't kill him. That's what Yomo said; to get him back, and then to undo his brainwashing is our first imperative. And then..._

_He didn't say I couldn't hurt this stranger._

_Right?_

As the lower halves of Haise's kagune came shooting up, she intercepted it, swinging her kagune wing in front of him, and forcing the torn tentacles downwards. She caught herself on her hands and dealt a powerful kick to his stomach, pushing him backwards with enough force to dislodge the other two parts of his kagune from Hinami's, and then whirled, sending a flurry of missiles at him. Most of them missed, but he was hard-pressed to dodge. His kagune faltered. And while it did, in that moment of hesitation, she came barreling into him, knocking him to the ground hard enough to make him see stars.

Haise coughed and folded one arm over the throbbing pain in his torso. There was a burst of pain - a broken rib, maybe, and the sticky, dazed feeling from the fall was no help. _When will the reinforcements get here? _He wriggled to try and get up, but a kick to the side kept him down, and the air hissed out his teeth.

"You know you can take worse than this," Kaneki said softly out of his mouth, and Haise slammed his teeth shut. _Don't be such a wuss, _taunted the voice in his mind. _Even I, the imaginary one, have experienced worse pain than this. Man up.__  
_

_You're trying to make me lose control, _Haise hissed. _When I lose control, it's easy for you to take over. I see your plan._

_Well, gosh,_ retorted Kaneki sarcastically. _How are you so clever._

Now the ukaku was standing over him, with Hinami standing defensively in the background. Despite the holes punched in her kagune, she seemed fine. The one red wing blazed, snapping like fire, and her eyes held that same intensity he'd known (_for the past four years)_. She was intimidating, indomitable, and despite himself, Haise was in awe.

_Do you remember this? This brutal girl, so strong yet so very vulnerable. She cared, she missed me. She has a brother, her father you may have heard of; Arata Kirishima, you know him? Sure you do; every other month a new proto comes out. She has a life, Hinami to take care of, the fear of birds that I found cute once upon a time, she has a coffee shop to work at, a manager to keep an eye on. She is amazing, intelligent, unique, beautiful, and you wish to end the miracle of her existence._

"Shut up," whispered Haise, but Kaneki did not. He was vaguely aware of the ukaku ghoul crouching over him, and he tensed, expecting a bite at any second.

_I first saw her and thought her beautiful then, though I was distracted. You should know this; this is also your life that you're hiding in your mind, even if you choose to ignore me. _We_ saw her, _we_ passed her by,_ we _were flattened, _we_ became a tragedy. Let me in, Haise. Tear down this wall. We are one and same._

Instead of biting him, sinking her teeth into his flesh, she reached out and touched him, pulling the collar of his uniform shirt to one side and exposing some skin. The gesture brought a tide of déjà vu, and a few flashes of a church, a man screaming about his dinner and bleeding on the floor.

_You see? Those are not _your_ memories that you're recalling, they're mind. You break this wall all the time for your own uses, why not let me out?_

_It's not pleasure to recall things that I've never done. Your hallucinations have never brought me and hope or relief._ But Haise was doubting himself, and Kaneki knew it.

The ghoul ran her fingers over a small, jagged assortment of pale lines and dots in the shape of a bite mark. Her fingers were cold against his flushed skin. "What have they told you, to make you forget you are?"

"I am still myself," Kaneki breathed, but the ghoul was distracted by the oncoming rush of wind. It was damp, somewhat chill; rain was on the way.

"This scar, here...you truly do not remember it?"

_I remember! _howled Kaneki inside of his mind. _I remember! _

Haise chose not to respond, instead forcing all his will into escaping. However, the ghoul was pinning him down, and his head felt filled with cotton and Kaneki's voice, and all his efforts were futile.

"I bit you. Back when I was sixteen, and you were eighteen, and I bit you to save us both."

The cadences of her voice were so familiar. It was something associated with _home_, and Haise, while loudly declaring his independence from Kaneki, felt himself drawn into the spell.

"Just one bite, you know? And that gave me the strength to keep fighting."

She leaned close to his face, and the blue-black hair swung away from its position hiding her eye, which was slowly resolving itself back into an icy blue. The red and black kakugan was falling asleep, to be awoken at some other time. When she spoke, her breath was metallic with blood, but still carried some other scent. It was not 'sweet'; that's not what the word was to describe it. It was evocative, he knew it, and at the same time, he did not.

"Kaneki Ken, do you know my name?"

_I KNOW YOU,_ the voice inside him shrieked. _I KNOW YOU, AND ONCE UPON A TIME YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND, THE SUNFLOWER BOY PUT ASIDE._

Something splintered in Haise's mind; the words of the CCG fell away, and for a few short, pure seconds, he was a synthesis, a mixture of the warring personalities inside.

"Your name," Haise said in an uneven whisper, "is Touka Kirishima."

The way her face lit up made him want to smile, and Hinami behind her seemed radiant. "There's hope for you after all, idiot," Touka replied softly, and she was crying. On cue, the rain began, a light misty drizzle.

There was a long pause, where the possibility of Kaneki and the idea of Haise were balanced. The world seemed to swell with tension, watching with bated breath.

There was a clatter in the adjacent alleyway, the crackle of CCG-level radios, and Haise pushed Touka off of him and rolled to his feet. "I...I don't understand any of this, but if you died, I have a feeling that my life would remain a mystery forever." He closed his eyes. "Please...go. Just go. I don't want to know what I know now, I don't want to remember..." He opened his eyes, and they were sad. "I have established my life. And maybe, in the future, you can return to it, but for now...things are uncertain."

He had been staring towards the sounds of the CCG, and when he turned, he saw that he didn't have an audience. The rain got heavier, drawing the light from the streetlamp into vertical blurs. Soon, he'd be soaked to the skin.

_Please, at least let me know that you will see them again._

_I can't promise that. _But he knew that he wanted to.

All of a sudden, the CCG were there, or at least his Quinx. Urie, Shirazu, and Mutsuki, looking ready to deal with whatever it was that their leader had called them for. "What is it?" asked Mutsuki, eyes darting around in every direction searching for any threat. "What did you call us for?" He noticed the blood on the shirt and the discarded, torn jacket. "This isn't your blood, is it?"

"Most of it isn't," said Haise, slowly. "There was a corpse when I got here, and two ghouls."

"Tch," Urie scoffed. "Typical, you'd drag us away from our activities to come to your aid when there's no one here. Seeing ghosts again, Sasaki?"

For once, Sasaki didn't acknowledge the barbs. Instead, he turned his face to the sky. "Let's just go home," he whispered (_and echoes of a boy with a smile as bright as the sun_), and for once, they knew not to press him, though Urie took every moment to make a disparaging comment about him, and Shirazu took every insult as if it had been directed to him and not Haise.

"I need to go to the infirmary," Haise informed his squad when they reached CCG's campus. "One of the ghouls was stronger than she appeared, and that's very strong indeed."

"I'll go with you," offered Mutsuki, but Haise offered an exhausted smile. "I appreciate the offer, but I'd rather be alone. You can return to whatever else you were doing."

It was a short walk to the hospital area, and after a quick checkup, the doctor found that the rib was already far along in its healing. _Regenerative powers strike again,_ thought Haise grimly, but he smiled and accepted the prescription for pain pills that was handed for him and returned to his quarters.

"Touka Kirishima, huh..." He looked out the window. "May we meet again."

And deep down inside, Kaneki smiled.


End file.
